I sometimes contemplate, like most girls, about the future and more specifically the future with a man with whom I'll be sharing that future.  I used to want to get married so badly, used to want to have that one person to walk through the rest of life with, hand in hand, in Christ.  Now, I'm very content as a single woman.  I'm twenty-five years old and for the first time in my life (first year in my whole life) I don't know that I want to get married any time soon.  All the times I moaned and complained and wished and hoped and commiserated with other women was such a waste!  Jesus said it quite perfectly in Matthew when he talks about worrying about clothes and food and he says "Don't worry about tomorrow, today has enough worries of its own." 

    Well, the other day I was thinking about the innate trigger God puts in us where we "just know" when it's the right person.  Most often women are attracted to looks and charm and money...there's even a song on the radio (I don't know by whom) but the chorus sings "girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money."  As a Christian woman I'd like to say that's not true, that what I value is a godly character, a kind spirit, a generous heart, a passion for God and someone who can lead a relationship.  Andy Stanly (NorthPoint Ministries) points out that it's usually the things that "capture" our attention that lead us down a rocky road to a dead end rather than the things that we choose to pay attention to--that our final destination does not have to do with our intention rather it has to do with the path we are choosing to walk.

    With all this introspection going on you'd hope there was a 2X4 revelation about to smack me upside the head.
It was in the middle of thinking about how I'd "loved" people, guys, before but that I didn't know what it was to
"be in love."  And WHAM.  That's when it hit me....I should already know what that's like because it should be with Jesus first! And I love Jesus, he's awesome, I wouldn't be where I am at emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally if he'd not graciously stood on the opposite side of my heart's door and knocked persistently.  Certainly I praise his name, worship him, try to do and be all that he's called me to be and yes that's obedience; he said "if you love me, you will obey my commands." (John 14:15)  Yet he said "if you love me" and I'm looking for that deeper place where I am "IN love" with him. Enamored...and I can't say that I am, truthfully, which made me sad when it first hit me.  I've been seven years saved and four and half years under lordship serving God......and though there are times when he has "ransomed my heart" it's been at singular times...

So I guess this is the mission for this season:

I prayed one of those "dangerous prayers" as author Rory Noland likes to put it; the prayers where you think you know what you want but really, when it falls in your lap you're both super excited and terrified at the same time because it requires you to make a big decision?  I love that when I prayed to God, asking for encouragement, I received it in a variety of ways (though mostly in the form of: would you like to be a part of our band as a frontperson/keys player).  One of those gigs is actually a great paying gig (providing a wonderful audition) though, like everything God, it requires the faith to step in another direction.  I read a book not long ago called In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day: Survivng and Thriving when Opportunity Roars  --Yes, a rather lengthy title for a book that will change your life.  Anyway, I wrote about four blogs on that book that caused about five other people to go buy it--Andy Stanley is quoted in the book as saying (and this isn't exactly the quote but it's close) "you will never be more than about  80% certain about [a decision], waiting for a greater certainty will cause you to miss out on the opportunity."

::sigh:: so this is my humble request.  Please pray for clarity for me in regards to the next step.  I either side-step this opportunity and take the risk of waiting for something greater/better or I take this opportunity and it is something greater/better.  I covet your prayers, friends. 

shout out to Fay, who has been a continuous source of encouragement and prayer covering!

signing off.

E 

Wow.  I feel like I've not been on here in forever--so much has happened this past week.  I just got back from taking the youth at my church on a youth retreat.  STELLAR group of kids.  When it was time to have a "quiet time" they actually had a quiet time...sat, wrote, allowed God to speak to them and to trust that it was Him moving and not "just their imaginations" AND they got to fellowship with each other in a way that is hard to do at home because everyone lives so far away from one another.

However, aside from the tremendous breakthrough we saw in these kids, I'd have to say the thing that touched my heart the most on a personal level was the session taught by one of the youth pastors on Saturday night.  For a little while I'd been struggling with a sense of "why am I doing this?"  I'd been serving God since college.  I'd been involved college ministry, worship leading, youth ministry, inner city ministry and yet, the one thing that I'd struggled with was: why don't I feel the fire inside of me when I talk about Jesus?  Why don't I want to talk about it with my unbelieving co-workers?  Well Saturday night hit it perfectly:  because all I saw when I would think of the people I relate to were rules stop smoking, stop cussing, don't cheat, don't have sex before marriage.  And even though I knew why I wasn't engaging in those activities, I didn't feel like I had anything tangible to give to them.  Yes, Christ died for our sins.  God crucified HIS SON as a perfect sacrifice.  Sacrifice (before it became law) was God's way of showing us HOW to love him...giving Him our very best of all that we had...then it became a law...so then GOD sent HIS very best to show US what love really was...what it truly looked like!  Not only that but it was FREE.  Why did something like that blow my mind so much!!?  I knew that--but I was missing it where it pertained to evangelism.  The point is not "okay, say this prayer and you'll be saved.....now, go and lay down that smoking habit you've had for ten years."  Excuse me?  I remember going through that "Let's learn about what Lordship is.......okay now that you know that, you need to break up with the guy you're seeing now."  uhhh hunh...that's not the point of salvation!  The point is that you end up seeking first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness....and THEN everything is added!  Duh Erica...It makes me so frustrated that I got caught up in all of that, yet now that I have a different pair of lenses I can see why it's not as hard as we think to love someone in the middle of their junk.  It means we don't do the work: we encourage and exhort and JESUS does the work.

 
Sorry this is sort of scrambled, I just now have an excitement that wasn't there before...Like I realize the gift  that i have to give to other people....

 ::sigh:: God, really rocks my socks off. =0)